Karen Ruskin on November 18, Feeling sexually deprived in marriage is not uncommon. The myth is that it is only married men who feel sexually deprived. The fact is, married women too experience sexual deprivation.
Whether you are a man or a woman, yearning for sexual intimacy with your spouse is a healthy desire. Longing for sexual intimacy left unfulfilled in quantity and quality is a challenge, and a taboo topic for many.
As a Psychotherapist who has been providing marriage counseling since I will share with you this secret; if you and your spouse lead an inactive sexual relationship, and your mate is not asexual, then your mate is not happy about this lack of intimacy.
Not such a secret… huh. This blog article is not a discussion about different desires in frequency.
Nor is this article focusing on couples who are generally sexually active but the quality is not as fulfilling as one or both desires. This blog is focusing on the married group of couples who there is truly barely to no sexual intimacy.
Thus, quality is lacking because quantity is lacking. Thus, there is no experience of quality enhancement as quantity is little to non existent.
I am not interested in being sexually intimate with my husband. I do have some sexual desire, but not as much as him. I do love him, I want to remain married to him, but I wish he would leave me alone sexually. As the years have progressed, he does leave me alone now. So we rarely talk about our lack of sexual intimacy.
But on occasion he does bring our lack of sexual intimacy up in conversation still. Other times in frustration. Maybe on vacation, if that. Definitely not weekly, nor monthly. Husband lives an existence in marriage where he is sexually deprived. The lack of sexual fulfillment, the lack of sexual intimacy, actual sexual deprivation is a real thing. Without sexual intimacy in marriage, the person feels unloved, unwanted.
For those living a similar existence to case scenario A, consider what action to take, both husband and wife to attend to this lack of sexual marital intimacy. Rather than the relationship continue to decline and disconnect sexually as the years continue, take action. I do not have much of a sexual drive. I do not have sexual needs, as far back as I can recall I never really did. My wife does have sexual desires and she is longing for sexual activity with me.
But I do not fulfill this need of hers. I am loving in every other way, this is who I am. Or, the scenario rather is: I never had a large sex drive, but it was certainly more than it currently is. I do still love her and wish to remain married to her.
Wife lives an existence in marriage where she is sexually deprived. As explained in scenario A, action does need to be taken. The bottom line is: This is a problem that is not to be ignored. Am I stating something wrong here? Think of all of the things that you do on a day to day basis for your spouse that you may not feel in the mood to do.
Of course, certainly, ideally my Looking for a roommate to satisfy my sexual urges for you as a couple is to find your sexual couple style.
My desire for you is to connect in a sexually intimate way that pleases both of you in quantity and in quality. That is the goal.
The goal is to find a healthy sexual balance of quantity and quality that fits for both the husband and the wife. Yes, agreed, create a healthy fulfilling sexual marital relationship is the ideal. I am spotlighting the specific piece of sexual deprivation that I far too often hear men and women report.
And let me tell you, it hurts them. Is it not the responsibility, the obligation of the spouse to do something about this rather than keep their spouse dry not to give any water at all? Those married men and women who are sexually deprived often feel guilty expressing their disappointment, since in all other ways they feel so blessed.
They feel almost bratty wanting sexual intimacy. So, I will be the voice for those sexually deprived husbands and wives and state: It is a normal need, it is not bratty, no matter how good you have it in all of the other areas of your life.
If there truly is barely to no sexual intimacy in your marriage, this is not something to feel guilty about wanting. Continue to keep the lines of communication with your spouse open and figure out as a marital team what can be done about this particular challenge. Just as you would converse about any other challenge, tackle it together… as a team. As it is indeed the pink elephant in the room.
If your spouse is sexually deprived, do something about it.
Take your man, take your woman, kiss them, caress them, feed them this meal they are so hungry for. And then, feel good that you did something for your spouse. Perhaps over time as you provide a sexual intimate experience for your spouse you too will see that sexual intimacy is for you too. For now though, for the purposes of the particular focus of this blog — do it for your spouse.
Water your dry plant. Karen on Twitter or Facebook.
Makes frequent appearances on The Dr. Additionally has appeared on: Karen provides her expertise on: Sought after Radio Guest Expert. Often quoted in various print media. Author of 3 books: Not even an acknowledgement of apology or recognition of regret over the disappointment.
My wife has a very hard time even engaging in a conversation about sex. Married 26 years and sex has been a minefield of ok times and bad blow ups. I have worked for 25 years to reach this point in my career and I feel it has trapped me in a marriage I sometimes wish I could change. Thank you for taking the time to share your story Mark.
I am sorry for your pain.
I am hopeful that your writing in response to this article may open the door to a healthy dialogue between you and your wife. Certainly sexual desires are healthy and normal.
As a husband who loves his wife to have her suggest you look elsewhere, I am sure hurts you greatly and invalidates your needs.